Our predictions for some of the roles in 'Twin Peaks' 217-person cast
The complete 217-person cast list for the Twin Peaks revival was revealed yesterday, blowing fan's collective minds with its several high profile stars.
Michael Cera, Naomi Watts and Eddie Vedder are all reportedly in the new season, making one wonder how all of these people could possibly fit in the same universe.
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Based on our knowledge of how David Lynch seems to create characters, we've made some predictions on what kinds of roles these actors, musicians and UFC fighters will have in the revival.
See you in 2017 when we find out that all of these are 100% spot on.
Michael Cera
In the role of: FBI agent Dirk Powers. Loves kombucha and is possessed by the actual devil.
Laura Dern
In the role of: Sarah Bolton, the new mayor of Twin Peaks. She lives with three skeletons who she refers to as her "sons."
Jim Belushi
In the role of: Creepy James, the owner and operator of another, different brothel in Twin Peaks. You have to take a shitty kayak to get over there. James sometimes unknowingly speaks in an ancient language, forgotten to humanity.
Naomi Watts
In the role of: Nancy "Nance" McGarry, a local TV meteorologist who is also a dark agent.
Amanda Seyfried
In the role of: Janice, a cashier at the Twin Peaks roller rink who hosts seances in the back, behind all the roller skate rentals.
Eddie Vedder
In the role of: Glob; Bob's weird brother who is also a demon but isn't as evil and has better hair.
Trent and Mariqueen Reznor
In the roles of: Trip and Margo Ripley, a married couple who recently moved to Twin Peaks via the Witness Protection Program. They do weird sex stuff FOR SURE.
Tim Roth
In the role of: The Janitor, a high school janitor with a British accent who seems to posses telekinetic powers.
Ashley Judd
In the role of: Gwendolyn Sanders, a podcast producer creating a show about Laura Palmer's death. She sees sasquatches everywhere and might not exist? We never find out for sure.
Matthew Lillard
In the role of: Lil' Toby, a 40-year-old man who has kept the same paper route job since he was 9. He's got a funny voice and rides an enormous bike.
Note: In flashback scenes this character is played by David Lynch.
Michael Bisping
In the role of: Kevin O'shay, the insanely mature 13-year-old star of the Twin Peaks little league team. He seems to age more rapidly than a normal human.
Charlyne Yi
In the role of: The murderer.
Prediction assistance from: Jake Fertig and Johnny Simon.
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Max Knoblauch is the Assistant Humor Editor in the NYC office. He is a journalist, comedian and illustrator. More humor and art by Max can be found on his website.Follow him @MaxKnoblauch
