Uber will totally narc on teens

Kids are not to be trusted. And now, thanks to Uber for teens, they don't have to be.

The scandal-plagued ride-hail company announced Thursday a new program allowing parents to add teenagers to a "family profile," thus allowing plucky youngsters aged 13 to 17 the ability to hail a car all by their grownup selves. No adults required.

"We all wish we could be in multiple places at once," the saccharine ad copy — no doubt channeling Uber CEO Travis Kalanick's desire to simultaneously extinguish all of his company's press fires — tells us. "But until then, Uber can help families with the logistics."

Importantly for parents who want to keep a tight lockdown on their little rascals, the privacy-challenged Uber offers to do more than just shuttle tweens home from little league: Uber will totally narc on your kids.

"With the guidance of child safety experts, we’re also giving parents peace of mind with an easy way to confirm the whereabouts of their teens for up to 20 minutes after the ride ends," the announcement reads.

Hear that, little ones? When you get dropped off at the library "to study," but then sneak over to Tommy's house to, well, not study, you're totally busted.

Teen Uber is currently in the pilot phase and only available in Seattle, Columbus, and Phoenix, Arizona. Interestingly, it's not the only thing the company is testing in Arizona. Uber self-driving cars are also on the road there after getting booted out of San Francisco.

But don't fret, worried parents of the Uberverse. No robot is going to pick up your kid (at least not yet).

"[Teens will] get rides from experienced drivers who have received consistently high ratings from our community of riders," the announcement helpfully explains.

This is not the first child-chauffeuring venture to have oozed its way out of the Bay Area #disruptors' scene. The New York Times profiled a host of similar offerings last year — publishing the piece literally one day before marquee player Shuddle ceased operations due to an inability to raise money.

Uber, of course, has a lot more cash at its disposal and has shown time and time again that it's more than willing to set piles of it on fire to establish market dominance. Their latest effort to corner the Richie Rich market should likewise be taken seriously — something the sartorially inspired Loomer family of Uber's press release appears happy to do.

But teenagers of the world, including the Loomer boys, should take note: Uber is not your friend. Uber will totally narc you out. It's a feature, not a bug.