Ultra big-ass phones need to die in a fire

I thought big phones were stupid when Samsung introduced the Galaxy Note in 2011 and created this whole phablet (shudder) trend.

I still think big phones are ridiculous. But where phablets with 5.5- to 5.8-inch phones are now commonplace, phone makers have now run out of interesting ways to make phones exciting again.

So what are they doing? Oh, just releasing even BIGGER phones. 

Oh, for f*cks sake.

Big everywhere

We've reached the point where we can't turn our backs on phablets anymore. We're already too far along in assimilating phablets into our lives to ever think small phones are sufficient. 

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I know returning to small-sized anything is an impossibility. This is America, land of the HUGE. Big cars. Big homes. Big burgers. Big Bird. Big f*cking everything. 

After years of resisting them, even Apple caved and released a plus-sized iPhone, starting with the iPhone 6. It's enormous.

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As terrible as big phones are -- they're heavy, impossible to use with one hand unless you're Shaq, don't fit in your pockets or work with skinny jeans and oh, they're BIG -- there are some good things about them that people really like.

Let's go down the list, shall we?

• They've got large and (usually) high-resolution screens
  

• All that size means more room for a bigger battery that lasts longer
  

• Some companies put better features on bigger phones (curse you, Apple!)
  

• You can literally smack someone really hard with one (for safety purposes, of course)
  

• They're great if you have bad eyes (i.e. they're fantastic for parents or grandparents)

• People with huge hands love them
  

• Cats LOVE them

• They fit normally into your pockets if you're a giant

• You'll always win bets where bigger is better

I think you get the idea. I hope you're still there...

Not big enough apparently

I know, I know, one size doesn't fit all. Yeah, yeah, yeah... I don't need to hear it every time some company tries to justify a mega-sized phone.

Google pushed the limits of big phones with its 6-inch Nexus 6 in 2014. It was so big and wide Google actually codenamed it "Shamu" after the killer whales stars from SeaWorld.

Samsung also tried its own hand at the bigger-than-big phones with the Galaxy Mega series. Mashable tech editor Pete Pachal reviewed the 6.3-inch Galaxy Mega in 2013 and I reviewed the smaller, but still gigantic Mega 2 a year later.

The general takeaway was that phones bigger than phablets are OK, but too damn big. 

Here I thought phone makers had come to their senses, but I guess not. Because ultra big-ass phones are coming back this year and there are a whole lot of them you can buy than in the past.

In the big 6-inch range: Samsung has the Galaxy A9 Pro, Sony has the Xperia XA Ultra, Alcatel has the Pixi 4, Oppo has the R9 Plus and ZTE has the Grand X Max 2.

Even bigger: LeEco has the 6.33-inch Le Max. 

Even bigger than bigger: Lenovo's recently announced Tango-equipped phone, the PhabPro 2, is a 6.4-inch whale. The company calls the phone's giant screen "assertive." Ya don't say! Lenovo's Phab2 and Phab2Plus also have 6.4-inch screens. Xiaomi's Mi Max has a slightly larger 6.44-inch screen.

The biggest: Asus's ZenFone 3 Ultra. This monster has a 6.8-inch screen. HOLY SH*T that's colossal.

These phones are just a couple of tenths of an inch shy of officially being classified as a 7-inch tablet!

You think these new ultra-sized phones are huge? Samsung really tested the waters with the Galaxy Note 8 in 2013, an 8-inch tablet, which also was a phone. (True story: I've actually seen two people IRL holding these tablets to their heads in public. It was insane.)

It's all our fault

It's easy to blame phone makers for being complete morons and not knowing what the market wants, but really we're the morons.

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We keep buying phablets so phone makers keep thinking we're OK with big-ass phones. 

And we keep buying bigger ones year after year. This is all our fault.

There are some improvements like slimmer bezels and thinner designs that make big phones more tolerable and easier to use, but they're still stupidly oversized phones.

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I use an iPhone 6 with a "reasonable" 4.7-inch screen. If I had it my way, I would buy an iPhone SE, but it's not good enough for me because it tops out at 64GB of storage and I need (yes, need) at least 128GB.

My personal phone choice will never be a phablet. Like everyone else, though, I've learned to accept the phablet. The 5.5-inch Galaxy S7 Edge is one excellent phone. So is the 5.7-inch Galaxy Note 5. And so is the 5.7-inch Nexus 6P. Phablets will be among us forever.

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But there is no way I will ever accept a 6-inch-plus phone. Not a chance. You shouldn't either. It's abnormal. It's a jumbo, super-sizing nobody really should want or need.

Drop dead in a bonfire ultra big-ass phones. Drop dead.

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