'Whack-A-Kass' is still the best game on Neopets
Despite not being a Scientologist, I still log on to Neopets occasionally to do two things: see which illnesses my pets have contracted, and play a few games.
Of course, my relationship with Neopets, the virtual pet site that was popular in the early 2000s, has changed over the years. As a cool and bored 10-year-old, I thought all Neopets games were handmade by God. Now, as a cool and bored adult, a lot of them just seem bad.
Meerca Chase, for example, is a lot less fun than I remember. (It's also just like the game Snake.) And the music in Faerie Bubbles, my former favorite game, sounds like a Shins cover band, plunging me into a deep despair every time I try to play.
But one game holds the fuck up. That game is Whack-A-Kass.
Whack-A-Kass is currently the most popular game on Neopets, probably because it's an easy way to earn a ton of Neopoints (Neopets currency). Here's the basic rundown: You are a Blumaroo, which is a type of Neopet, and you are holding a baguette. Press the space bar, and you'll prompt a plush version of Kass (a Neopian villain) to fall from a tree. Press the space bar again, and you'll swing your baguette to hit him like a baseball.
If you time it correctly, the plush Kass will be struck by your breadbat and soar through the air, eventually landing some number of feet away. Your objective is to hit the Kass as far as possible.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that hitting objects is so fun. Whack-A-Kass knows this, and it doesn't deviate much from that idea. The game's only fluctuations are the wind -- which must be at a high clip for Kass to travel far -- and the weapon you use. You are upgraded from bread to stick after reaching a certain number of points. Eventually, you can also use a spiked bat. (Once you're given the spiked bat, shit starts to really get wild. A well-timed swing will send Kass flying for hundreds of feet.)
There's no shortage of encouragement, either. When you beat your high score, you're rewarded with an extremely cheesy trumpet sound effect. The other sounds are delightful, too -- from the vaguely medieval intro music to the good-natured wamp when you miss a swing entirely. It's all so pleasant. (Okay, fine, the game does have vague political overtones, but, like...this is Neopets.)
Best of all, you don't need to be that good at Whack-A-Kass to enjoy it. Or, you do, but just at the swinging your bat -- it's more about waiting for the wind to be at the right speed than anything else.
And you can do everything using the space bar. To start a new game, hit the space bar. To release the Kass plush from the tree, space bar. To hit the Kass, space bar. To restart once more, space bar.
In theory, you could play the game for hours on end using only one finger, reserving your other fingers for things like eating Doritos and texting your friends about Neopets. You could even play Whack-A-Kass with your elbow or your tongue or something. I'm not saying that you should do that, but I appreciate a game that offers the option.
Whack-A-Kass, I love you. Thanks for stealing so many of my hours.
Chloe was the shopping editor at Mashable. She was also previously a culture reporter. You can follow her on Twitter at @chloebryan.
