I am the empress of fall and if you drink hot coffee before the equinox you are dead to me
I am who they call the Empress of Fall -- a title I gave myself after purchasing approximately 300 plastic gourds from a basement Michael's.
And as autumn approaches, here is my warning: if you dare to drink a cup of hot coffee before Friday, Sept. 22, 2017, I will absolutely erase you from my life.
Nothing matters more to me than this.
As temperatures drop by only a few degrees in my particular region of the U.S., I have borne witness to a number of incidents that have shaken me to my core. It appears that some people returned home from their Labor Day trips with the curious idea that it is time to suck down the hot bean water. That couldn't be further from the truth. It is actually time to suck down the cold bean water.
I was a barista for three months in college, so I am the one who knows best about this!
To be clear, I do not care what kind of cold high octane energy brews you put into your body during this transitional season. Enjoy your iced lattes and your iced vanilla lattes and your iced vanilla lattes in a slightly larger size. From the bottom of my heart, savor every drop of your robust cold brew.
But the moment you utter the words, "Actually, make that a hot one, please," I am already deleting your name from my contact list. I am sending condolences to your loved ones. I am uninviting you from my bi-annual equinox bash ("Equinox Evening"), because you do not exist.
Please don't take this personally. It's not you! It's just that I have a deep-seated problem with your preferences and what brings you small joy in our increasingly contentious world.
Several years ago, I traveled home to see my family for Labor Day weekend. My flight landed late at night, and took a cab to my parents' house so as not to wake them for a ride. In the morning, when I awoke, there was a cup of hot coffee waiting for me at the kitchen table.
I left right away, abandoning my suitcase and its contents to their house of horrors. I have not seen my family since.
On Sept. 22, the sun's rays will cross the celestial equator from north to south, just as we will all cross the very real, not subjective threshold between "ice drink time" and "warm drink time." Reader, the official equinox arrives at 4:02 p.m. EDT. Cross the threshold not a second sooner, or that first sip of steamy java will end our relationship forever.
Hot tea is fine whenever!
Thanks for reading Mashable Humor: original comedy every day. Or most days. We're people, just like you, and we're trying our best.
Chloe was the shopping editor at Mashable. She was also previously a culture reporter. You can follow her on Twitter at @chloebryan.
