At last, I've learned to stop apologising for the tone of my emails

I'm sick to the back teeth of saying sorry for doing my job. There, I said it. I have been apologising for the tone and content of my emails since the beginning of my career. Finally, I'm learning not to temper the way I communicate.

A recent article about the "emotional labour of female emails" made me realise that I wasn't the only one punctuating myself with devices designed to make me seem softer and less blunt. The article, published by the New Statesman, cited a study which found that women use more exclamation marks than men in order to seem friendly! One case study interviewed for the piece stated that she came to the realisation that excessive exclamation usage was making her sound "unprofessional" and "like a breathless valley girl".

Reading these words, I realised that I too have leaned on the beloved exclamation mark as a way to add touch of softness to what would otherwise be a pretty direct or uncomfortable email.

'Sorry to chase...'

Exclamation points are only part of the problem. I usually begin most awkward emails with some kind of apology -- even when sorry is the last thing I want to say. "Sorry to chase, but have you had time to look at the email from last week?" is a construct I've relied on for many years now.

Baffling to think that I've been apologising to someone else for ignoring an email from me that required some form of acknowledgement.

'Just' another bad habit

Using the word 'just' is another social crutch that I have used in order to sound less severe and more palatable. Why do I feel like I'm being a bother? Why should I feel obliged to take up less time?

When emails are particularly lengthy, I apologise for "bombarding" the recipient with questions. But, 'just' asking those questions is part of my job, and it's also the recipient's job to answer them. Here's the thing, though, I don't need to apologise for fulfilling -- or indeed surpassing -- the requirements of my job description.

Lol

I also often write "lol" after something particularly blunt in an effort to make it clear that I'm not angry, I'm just being honest.

Does that make sense?

My tone is something that I've been pulled up on by previous employers. I've been told to be less "emotional," to watch my tone and to speak to people in a less "direct" way. I've found myself writing "if that makes sense" after a paragraph that I know is totally comprehensible. Each time I type those words, I'm reminded of the Harvard Business Review report instructing me to "never ask ‘does that make sense?" lest I compromise the credibility of the content.

No more!!!!!

One day last year it all came to a head with an email I had composed. It was riddled with caveats, apologies and excessive punctuation. I wanted to scream. I deleted every sorry; every single exclamation point; every single word I'd written to soften my direct tone and then I hit send before I could second-guess myself. Since then I've paid closer attention to the composition of my emails staying clear of apologies. If I'm reminding someone to respond to an email, I simply write "thoughts?" or "re-upping this in case it's been missed".

Abstaining from apologies

I've reigned in my apologies in written form and IRL. I now save the word 'sorry' for when I'm actually at fault. I'm not sorry that my email is long. You're being paid to read it and answer it.

Why must women beat around the bush? When composing an email, I remind myself how much of my life I'll be working. Suddenly the thought of adding superfluous nonsense into what should be a straightforward email makes me realise what a dangerous precedent I'd almost set. Better to nip all this in the bud now than go on for the next 40-odd years of my working life making myself utterly miserable by trying to sound soft and gentle.

Communicating clearly and directly is a part of my job. With that in mind, I'm 'just' gonna get back to it. And, I certainly won't apologise for that.