Here are 7 perfect last-minute birthday gifts for Donald Trump. You're welcome.
Donald Trump turns 71 years old Wednesday, and since you're such a nice person, you probably want to buy him a birthday present. (Isn't this what you always do for sitting presidents?)
Of course, Trump already has lots of stuff, from silky smooth bathrobes to copious amounts of cash from real estate deals with anonymous buyers.
But there are still presents to choose from, at all sorts of price points. (It's the thought that counts!) So take out your wallet—especially if you're a foreign government—and buy our 45th president the gift he deserves.
1. Glass cleaner to keep his ominous orb squeaky clean
Fact: If you don't regularly wipe down your orb, you can't see into the souls of your enemies. ($8.99)
2. Touchscreen gloves for tweeting, size small
Because cold weather shouldn't stop you from covfefe. ($44.95)
3. A copy of the U.S. Constitution, complete with First Amendment
Please don't body slam me. ($11.99)
4. Season 3 of Shark Tank
Hey, it's easily the best reality show ever made about the cutthroat world of business, starring a narcissistic billionaire. ($20)
5. Two scoops of ice cream
Big boys deserve big servings of ice cream. ($4.50)
6. Plane tickets to Russia
I heard Moscow is beautiful this time of year ... oops, someone already got him this gift. (App. 66,644 rubles)
7. $564 million in cold, hard cash
It's the gift Trump wants to give himself by eliminating the estate tax, which affects people with estates worth more than $5.45 million. That doesn't even count the money Trump would make by repealing the alternative minimum tax and slashing the corporate income tax rate.
Of course, Congress controls the budget, so this gift would have come from them. (along with $2.5 trillion in cuts to anti-poverty programs)
Blow out a candle, President Trump, and maybe your birthday wishes will come true.
Topics Donald Trump Politics
Keith Wagstaff is an assistant editor at Mashable and a terrible Settlers of Catan player. He has written for TIME, The Wall Street Journal Magazine, NBC News, The Village Voice, VICE, GQ and New York Magazine, among many other reputable and not-so-reputable publications. After nearly a decade in New York City, he now lives in his native Los Angeles.
