17 perfect Alan Partridge quotes to get you through Valentine's Day
LONDON -- Whether you've been married for years or are eternally single, you can rely on Alan Partridge to dish out some sage advice on the subjects of love, sex and relationships.
Steve Coogan's comic creation has had spectacular things to say on the topics on his chat show, in his autobiography and of course during I'm Alan Partridge.
You May Also Like
From his doomed marriage to Carol via flings with Sonja and Jill - and the resolutely platonic relationship with PA Lynn - Partridge has seen it all before.
Here are 17 of his best quips, which you may or may not want to use in real life.
1. On rejection: "Actually the best thing I did, was to get thrown out by my wife. She's living with a fitness instructor. He drinks that yellow stuff in tins. He's an idiot."
2. On initiating sex:
3. On sex (again): "I'm going to hump ya, like Deputy Dawg would hump ya."
4. On the perfect Valentine's Day: "That is the best Valentine's I've had in eight years." Jill: "What did you do eight years ago?" Alan: "Just had a better one... Went to Silverstone. Shook Jackie Stewart's hand. Superb. My marriage fell apart soon after that."
5. On the health benefits of sex:
6. On seduction: "No, Jill will be sleeping with me tonight." Jill: "I don't recall saying that." Alan: "Oh come on." Jill: "Yeah, alright then."
7. On age difference being nothing but a number: "I’m 47. My girlfriend's 33. She's 14 years younger than me. Back of the net!"
8. On keeping personal and private lives separate: "Lynn's not my wife. She's my PA. Hard-worker, but there's no affection."
9. On avoiding swingers:
10. On reciprocal tender messages of affection: Sonja: "Alan, I love you." Alan: "Thanks a lot!"
11. On cautiously expressing affection: "I love you... in a way."
12: On perseverance:
13. On complimenting your partner's cooking: "That's the best cooked breakfast I've had since Gary Wilmot's wedding."
14. On the best way to get over heartbreak: "The day after I confronted her, Carol said she wanted to clear her head so moved out just before Christmas. I sat on the edge of the bath, sobbing and eating a pork pie until the pie was gone - at which point I felt a heck of a lot better."
15. On infidelity:
16. On the best way to spend a date (to his son): "Fernando, you’re 22 years old and you’re spending your Saturday afternoon in bed with a girl, you’re wasting your life. It’s a beautiful day. Take her out to a local fort or a Victorian folly."
17. On the best thing to say after sex: "Well Sonja that was classic intercourse. So, er, thanks. Let's just pop the extractor fan on, get a through draught going."
Have something to add to this story? Share it in the comments.
Tim Chester was Senior Editor, Real Time News in Los Angeles. Before that he was Deputy Editor of Mashable UK in London. Prior to joining Mashable, Tim was a Senior Web Editor at Penguin Random House, helping to relaunch the Rough Guides website and other travel brands. He was also a writer for Buzzfeed, GQ and The Sunday Times, covering everything from culture to tech and current affairs. Before that, he was Deputy Editor at NME.COM, overseeing content and development on the London-based music and entertainment site. Tim loves music and travel and has combined these two passions at festivals from Iceland to Malawi and beyond.
