All of these Pokémon in my apartment better pay rent
My apartment is full of squatters, and I had no idea until I downloaded Pokémon Go.
Under my sink, there's a Squirtle. Inside my chest of drawers? A Pidgey. Just kicking back on my couch? A Charmander, with neither remorse nor respect for my belongings.
But if these creatures are going to live in my home with me, then they're going to pay rent.
You May Also Like
I pay to live in this apartment; why shouldn't they? I found this Zubat zooming around my bedroom. When I shut off the light to go to sleep, it stayed put. I said, "Zubat, you can stay, but you're gonna have to Venmo me."
I just installed an air conditioner in my window. The appliance itself cost 100 dollars. (Zubat, you owe me 50 for that too.) If I use it every night to fight off the summer heat, it's going to raise the usual price of my electric bill. If this Zubat is going to sleep in the same room as I am, then we are going to split those charges.
The amount of Pokémon in my apartment also explains why my food keeps going missing. I initially blamed my roommate, Charles, for taking my things. I caught him reaching inside my can of Pringles, but he said he said he was just retrieving something he lost in the can. At the time, I didn't believe him, but now I do. I have no doubt that some up-to-no-good Squirtle has been preparing and eating my Pizza Rolls.
It's hard to get privacy in my apartment when they've even populated my bathroom.
Do you realize what kind of damage this Charmander could wreak on my water bill? What if it brings its phone to the bathroom and uses the Wi-fi? I am not going to sit idly by and let this guy slow down my Internet connection for free.
While I do believe the Pokémon have been in my apartment for the entire month, I'm willing to prorate it since I only became aware of their presences on July 6th when the app went live.
Things get a little uncomfortable with this many roommates, but recently I've been having some trouble paying my share of the rent. Splitting the payment 15 different ways would be a huge help.
Now when I see Pokémon in the wild, like the Oddish below, I invite them to come live with me. (As long as they're quiet non-smokers who can provide three recent pay stubs and make payments on time.)
My landlord declined my calls, so I can't officially get the Pokémon on the lease, but I am hopeful that they'll pay what they owe me. When I've asked them about it, they've been unresponsive, but I think they're just finalizing details with their guarantors.
Another bright side of this situation is that now I know what all the little pitter-patter sounds in my ceiling are from. Here I was, thinking I had mice, when it's obviously just some Ratatats.
Have something to add to this story? Share it in the comments.
Jessye McGarry is an acquaintance, middle child and former Humor Intern at Mashable.
