Brad Pitt movie roles ranked by his viability as a husband
Following the news of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's divorce, I went into full panic mode. I never really thought about the possibility of marrying Brad Pitt, but now who knows!
The world as we know it is crumbling and it's our duty to pick up the pieces, and if that means stepping in to marry Brad Pitt, it's certainly something I must consider.
But there's a problem: I haven't met Brad Pitt, so I don't know if I even want to marry him. I have, however, seen several of his films, so I have taken it upon myself to rank them based on Pitt's viability as a husband, from DUMP HIM to MARRIAGE MATERIAL.
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22. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Although old man babies are super cute and I wouldn't really mind giving birth to one, I just don't think I want to watch my adult husband turn into a baby.
21. By the Sea
I agree with Angelina Jolie! I do not want to be married to Angelina Jolie's By the Sea co-star! This movie is about people who should not be married.
20. The Tree of Life
Brad Pitt is such a bad dad in this movie that the child he has with perfect angel Jessica Chastain turns into Sean Penn. No, thank you!
19. The Mexican
Not interested in a guy who's down for a dangerous mission just to find some old gun.
18. The Big Short
Okay, I totally thought Brad Pitt's character was played by Matt Damon the entire time I was watching this movie. I would like a husband that I don't confuse with Matt Damon and I don't think that's too much to ask.
17. Interview With the Vampire
Pitt is very attractive in this movie, but kissing 12-year-old Kirsten Dunst is kind of a dealbreaker for me.
16. Troy
Brad Pitt plays Achilles, meaning that our children would be genetically predisposed to weak heels.
15. Fight Club
Tyler Durden is super naggy.
14. Burn After Reading
Brad Pitt is an acceptable sex idiot, but unfortunately, I would not be able to bestow any other responsibilities upon him.
10-13. The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford, Oceans Eleven-Thirteen
Sure, I'll marry charming criminal Brad Pitt.
9. Moneyball
Brad Pitt plays Billy Beane, a smart man who uses math to assemble a great baseball team on a limited budget. He's probably also a good person to have around if you want to take your dozen children on a trip to Disneyland. He does seem a little bossy, though, so I docked some points for that.
9. A River Runs Through It
Two words: fly fishing.
8. Se7en
If Brad Pitt's good enough to be Morgan Freeman's new partner who helps him solve a series of grisly murders, he is good enough to be my new spooning partner.
7. Dark Side of the Sun
According to IMDB, this is what Dark Side of the Sun is about.
Sign me up!
6. Happy Feet 2
Pitt plays Will the krill, who is very close with his brother, Bill the krill. Family values are sexy!
5. World War Z
When I think about the man I will one day marry, my first thoughts go to his usefulness in the event of a global pandemic.
4. Hunk
I'll admit that I have not seen this 1987 film, but Pitt plays Guy at Beach With Drink, which is good enough for me.
4. Inglorious Basterds
Nazi killers are pretty hot.
3. 12 Years a Slave
I also love Canadian abolitionists.
2. Thelma and Louise
This movie introduced Pitt to the world as a hunk, and rightfully so. Check out the pronounced twinkle in his eye.
1. Meet Joe Black
Brad Pitt literally plays death in this movie. Who else could I possibly dream of spending forever with?
Tricia Gilbride was a Reporter for Mashable Watercooler. Tricia focused on the intersection of celebrity culture and the Internet. Previously, she worked as a fashion writer and a social media manager. She also edits Women-Artists.org, a blog and annual print publication, and looks exactly like her cat.
