Bridget Trump's Diary: I went to the Women's March and it was so overrated

Note from the Editor: You've no doubt already heard about the political parody Bridget Trump? The love child of Donald Trump and Bridget Jones has been making people giggle with her parody Twitter account filled with pithy statements that are remarkably similar to a certain businessman turned POTUS.

The brainchild of British comic Tiff Stevenson, Bridget Trump, is obviously very, very busy and very, very important. Bridget Trump took a break from tweeting to attend the inauguration and the Women's March over the weekend. Miraculously, she also managed to squeeze in a diary entry. Here's how it went:

Bridget Trump's Diary, London, Saturday 21st January 2017

Calories 4,000 (post inauguration) 

Times I avoided eye contact with Nigel Farage last night 67 

09.00 AM

I woke up feeling great about yesterday's inauguration, although I can't believe that Hillary showed up and wore white on MY BIG DAY. Also Kellyanne (best friend) turned up looking like she was about to lead the marching band. I think the vile media has sent her quite mad. By the time Pence was sworn in I was absolutely ravished (not in a good way) as all I had eaten was half a packet of wheat crunchies.

Pence was sworn in ....must be what it feels like to be a bridesmaid. The choir were as AWFUL as those carol singers that show up yearly at mum and dads.... was sorely tempted to tell them to bugger off! However I maintained a cool, dignified stance.

FINALLY I was sworn in. I was v nervous about it. Lots of business-y words like SOLEMNLY; CONSTITUTION. I *think* the latter is about regular bowel movement....So now am no longer saddo PEOTUS but fully fledged independent POTUS!!!  In charge of myself AND the nuclear codes. I Bridget Trump was feeling good 

However.....It is a truth universally acknowledged that when one part of your life starts going okay, another falls spectacularly to pieces. Found out this morning via the vile media that some women are marching to protest my new top job. Well... apparently they are also marching against the oppression of women worldwide blah blah... but I chose to ignore that. 

My first response was to call my friend Piers in floods of tears. He said he would tell those nasty women what for and arrange a march for men. What about men's rights? Why won't someone think of them? I think of them all day long because they are dreamy. Hmmmmm.

Now, after sex, the best form of exercise is walking! Walking is tremendous! On good days I like to stride across Westminster Bridge or up 5th avenue. Feel the wind in my hair (it's definitely MY hair) and shake off the rust.

11.45 AM 

I decided to sneak in to the march if only to burn calories. Not because I care about what any of these awful people think. The plan was to remove at least 2 inches from thigh circumference. Upon arriving at the march, I was shocked to see placards mocking my hair, my skin tone and my lack of political experience.

Feel very blue about the whole thing.  There were so many people there. But not more than the inauguration and certainly not more than the TV viewing figures of the inauguration!!! I don't want that FAKE NEWS getting out there.

All kinds over OVERRATED women were there. Stand-up comedians like Sandi Toksvig, Tiff Stevenson, Sara Pascoe; Sarah Kendall. These women tell jokes for a living why don't they concentrate on real things like Miss Universe competitions? Ugh. 

Very RUDE actresses like Sharon Horgan, Amanda Abingdon and Rebecca Hall. Nasty women indeed. Female politicians like Yvette Cooper; Stella Creasy. Ugh Even some men, I spotted Peter Capaldi, John C Reilly, Ian McKellen, Sadiq Khan and the worst by far ....the writer of that left wing hit job musical Lin Manuel Miranda himself.

Why? Oh why does everyone hate me? I'm destined to die alone and be found three weeks later half eaten by Alsatians. They should all apologise immediately!!!!! 

At one point I couldn't walk anymore so someone carried me. There went my weight loss plan! 

I'm 1,000% certain that 1,000,000% of people on that march think I am national laughing stock with a bottom the size of Brazil.

Miles walked 1.5 

Pussies grabbed 0 (v annoying)

Calories consumed 800 (4 packets of M&M's) 

Amount of people there who I could consider a special relationship with 0 

Tiff Stevenson (a.k.a. Bridget Trump) is on tour from now until May 5, including two shows at London’s Bloomsbury Theatre on Feb. 24 and 25. More information: http://tiffstevenson.co.uk