Well-done steak and other items on Donald Trump's tour rider

President Donald Trump is traveling abroad for the first time in his presidency for an international tour with stops in Saudi Ararbia, Israel, Italy, and Belgium, where I'm sure absolutely nothing at all will go wrong.

But something about Donald's first stop on this tour struck me as odd. According to a report, Saudi Arabia is preparing to welcome Donald Trump with his favorite, very Not Insane meal: well-done steak and ketchup.

Folks, this leads me to believe that Trump has a tour rider. For those unfamiliar, a rider is a set of requests or demands that a performer sets as criteria for performance. Usually bands will have one that includes the food or drink or whatever they want in their dressing room. The only reasonable explanation as to why Saudi Arabia would serve him burnt steak is that he must have demanded it ahead of time.

What are some of his other demands? Well, we reached out and got ourselves a copy of Donald's real and not fake tour rider and transcribed it. Take a look for yourself!

PRESIDENT DONALD J. TRUMP RIDER 2017

Below is a list of requirements that must be provided for Mr. Trump before his arrival.

• One (1) steak cooked for two hours at the highest temperature your oven is capable of, served with a squeeze bottle of Heinz ketchup.

• One (1) Old Man Recliner.

• One (1) dingy bathrobe.

• One (1) big TV with a loop of Sean Hannity saying “Trump is a good president” over and over again on at maximum volume.

• One (1) DVD copy of 'The Master Of Disguise' (2002)

• NO INCLINES!!! Every incline should be paved flat before Mr. Trump's arrival!!!

• One (1) bath tub filled with Diet Coke with a straw in it. (NOTE: This will be a separate bath tub from the one in the bathroom. Not hooked up to any pipes. Just a bath tub in the middle of the room filled to the brim with Diet Coke.)

• One (1) young, clean cut white man Trump can shake hands with and say “great job” to.

• One (1) framed picture of Kim Jong-Un with a speech bubble saying “I’M A STINKER.”

• Ten (10) puppeteers to begin a performance at any time Mr. Trump wills it.

• One (1) person in the room at all times to explain to Mr. Trump that his reflection in the mirror is not another person.

MEET THESE CONDITIONS OR RISK WAR.

Please speak in short sentences and simple words. Should Mr. Trump fall asleep at any time, he will be whisked away by secret service and the meeting will continue undisturbed. Thank you again on behalf of the United States of America for hosting our president.

- White House Staff