Where I see myself in 10 years if 'Fantastic Beasts' is good vs. if it is bad
As a huge fan of the Harry Potter series, I must admit that I have mixed feelings about the upcoming Fantastic Beasts series.
While I remain excited for the first film, I cannot seem to shake the feeling that this series could, in fact, be bad.
To help myself, I've decided to plot out the next 10 years of my life. Two timelines, diverging from one catalyst: the Fantastic Beasts movie.
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If Fantastic Beasts is bad:
First 24 hours after viewing a bad Fantastic Beasts: Wow, I will be upset. I will be boiling mad. When the midnight showing ends, I’ll approach the ticket booth and ask the 16-year-old behind the counter if they sell any tranquilizers. They probably won’t have them. After rage walking around the movie theater lobby, I’ll call my parents and say something like, “What a stain on the legacy of the original,” to which they’ll reply “What time is it?”
In the morning, I will wear all black to work and grumble about the degradation of the Potter universe. Unable to get anything done, my boss will send me home. I’ll sit on my stoop until dark, whispering “Voldemort was right,” at anyone who walks by.
Second day after viewing a bad Fantastic Beasts: Unsustainable, my anger will turn into a dull bitterness. I’ll write a passive aggressive email to Eddie Redmayne and then delete it. Then I’ll write it again and send it. I’ll vow not to see any of the other four planned films in the series. I’ll write a long Facebook status about this vow, forcing me to stick to it.
One month after viewing a bad Fantastic Beasts: Somehow, without any effort on my part, a month will pass. The hurt of Fantastic Beasts will still be there, readily accessible, but not so raw as to effect my day-to-day life. “Who am I?” I’ll wonder aloud, staring into my bathroom mirror. I won’t know the answer, but at least I won’t be hurting.
One season after viewing after viewing a bad Fantastic Beasts: The poor writing will become a distant memory, the rehashed themes a forgotten dream. My anger will fade in the calming light of spring. Finally, I will be free. With my newfound free time, I'll take up local politics, attending city council meetings and volunteering to help when possible. The energy I would have spent thinking about the magical hedgehog who steals pearls in the Fantastic Beasts trailer will instead be spent petitioning the city to fix potholes on my street.
One year after viewing a bad Fantastic Beasts: The second Fantastic Beasts will be in theaters, but I'll be too busy collecting signatures on a petition to plant more trees in the local park. My friends will tempt me with details of Grindelwald or whoever the bad wizard in these movies is, but my boycott will remain intact. Impressed, my friends will sign the petition. A few months later, they’ll be there, watching me plant my trees. “Ah, this is the real magic,” I’ll whisper. "No it isn't," someone will say.
Four years after viewing a bad Fantastic Beasts: I'll be working at the mayor's office full-time. It'll be a stressful job, but fulfilling. More fulfilling than, say, spending all of my time being angry about the dumb Groot beansprout in the Fantastic Beasts movie, which I won't have thought about at all in two full years. I’ll meet someone there, her name is Camille and she hates Fantastic Beasts and loves local politics. Her father? The Governor. We’ll fall in love and get married.
Ten years after viewing a bad Fantastic Beasts: After a grueling campaign, I’ll be surrounded on election night by my family (seven children, none of them named Newt) and closest advisors. The results will trickle in, and eventually my rival will concede. “Congratulations, Mr. Senator,” someone will say. “Yes, that is me now,” I will reply. “I am a United States Senator.”
If Fantastic Beasts is good:
I guess I'll just memorize a bunch of fake magic stuff for another 10 years.
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Topics Harry Potter
Max Knoblauch is the Assistant Humor Editor in the NYC office. He is a journalist, comedian and illustrator. More humor and art by Max can be found on his website.Follow him @MaxKnoblauch
