Florida loves attention more than any other state in America
Casey Anthony. George Zimmerman. Donald Duck.
What do they all have in common? Florida.
Florida is a melting pot of key lime pie, ten dollar Dasani bottles from Disney World, conch fritters and Lime-a-Ritas. It's where violent crimes committed by humans meet weird animal felonies and where destructive hurricanes meet destructive Jimmy Buffett concerts. Florida is at once the most irrelevant and relevant state.
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Relevant to what, you ask? Oh, just the entire future of the country.
Florida is aware of this. That's why Florida is the attention whore of America.
The results of Florida's early votes show that Hillary Clinton has a one point lead over Donald Trump. One point! That's not even a big enough lead to win in tennis, a sport that Floridians love to play on the private courts in retirement communities, so long as they're not prohibited by their physical therapist.
It's no surprise that a ham like Florida is a swing state.
A one point lead is keeping the already too-close-for-comfort race way too close, meaning we'll have to wait until after 8 p.m. tomorrow to find out the results for Florida.
It's no surprise that a ham like Florida is a swing state. It's not enough that it forces itself to stay relevant the other 364 days a year by constantly being the location of freaky news stories. Even on Election Day, we must slide our focus down the eastern seaboard until we reach the state that 30 Rock tenderly called "the penis of America."
With 29 electoral votes, Florida is a crucial state for a candidate to win. Florida loves this and revels in it.
If you're going to a party where you don't know anyone, you're supposed to "peacock," meaning, you wear a unique hat or scarf as a conversation starter. Florida is peacocking via horrifying and/or offbeat news stories. Florida is the person in a floral printed bucket hat, challenging itself to do a keg stand while everyone else suggests, "Hey, man, maybe just pour it in a cup."
Florida's home to so many different worlds. The northern and southern halves are entirely different and Disney World is somewhere in the middle, making children and adults consume so much sugar that they're nauseous when they finally get on Space Mountain.
So you can imagine how insecure Florida must feel with all of these identities at odds inside itself. If Florida comes to terms with who it really is, maybe it will stop acting out.
And yet, there's something comforting about the state, right? It's where you go for vacation as a child, dreaming of the happiest place on Earth. It's where you go in your college years on spring break in order to get a sunburn in the shape of your ill-fitted bathing suit. And finally, as an old old person, ready to die, you spend your final years whacking golf balls into the sun.
If Florida's where we're all headed anyway, then maybe it's not so bad that it loves the attention we're giving it. That said, could we please please please know who won the state NOW pleasepleaseplease?
Topics Elections
Jessye McGarry is an acquaintance, middle child and former Humor Intern at Mashable.
