The 8 best poop stories of 2017
It's been a real shit year.
Celebrating the hot trash fire that was 2017, we've rounded up a bunch of crap stories that occurred throughout the year.
Look, everybody poops. It may be the one unifying thing we have left, so we may as well embrace it.
1. The Mad Pooper
In September, the world was shocked to learn of the Mad Pooper of Colorado Springs. A local family says they caught a woman stop while out for a jog and defecate on their property on multiple occasions. The Mad Pooper is still at large, but she knows who she is. She knows.
2. The Poopman
Shortly after the Mad Pooper captivated the world, a car wash in Ketucky released footage of their own phantom pooper.
3. The First Date Defecator
Bristol University postgraduate student Liam Smith says he went on a Tinder date in early August, and the two eventually ended up at his house. His date apparently had a little bit of trouble, and was unable to flush her large poop down the toilet.
She decided to throw the poop out of the bathroom window, but beyond the first window was a second, so the poop was stuck there between the two panes. The woman tried to retrieve the poop, and became stuck. She was eventually rescued by firefighters, and Smith set up a GoFundMe to raise money for the broken window.
4. Dung in the Dorms
In October, The Daily Egyptian, the student newspaper of Southern Illinois University, reported that a "bowel movement bandit has been prowling the lower level laundry room in Abbott Hall."
That's right, someone was pooping (or putting their poo) inside washing machines, soiling freshly washed clothing with excrement. As if laundry day could suck any more.
5. Martin "piece of shit" Shkreli
In January, pharma bro Martin Shkreli was set to speak at UC Davis when a protester reportedly through poop at him while yelling "piece of shit." Shkreli later denied that fecal matter was thrown at him, but time and time again, he has proven to be a piece of shit, so he gets his own spot on the list.
4. Peep-colored Oreo Poops
Oreo released a limited-edition Peeps-flavored cookie, and the bright pink marshmallow filling came out the same color as it went in.
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6. The Felony
A man accused of attempted murder allegedly defecated on his warrant after getting arrested. It did not help his legal situation.
7. The Sudden Slime Shitter
We've all been there, kid. Wish we could tell you this won't happen again in your life, but it probably will.
8. Nobody Poop Kid
The New York City Marathon attracts a ton of attention every year, but nobody deserves a medal more than this kid, who held a sign that read "Nobody Poop."
We were all thinking it.
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