Sportscaster Jim Nantz drops legendary rant about the horrors of 'limp and tan' toast

Jim Nantz is a sportscasting legend. He's known for calling The Masters golf tournament, among other big events, each year. 

Because the 2016 Masters tournament begins next week, Golf Digest just ran a little profile of Nantz. It's what we call a "curtain-raiser" in the industry. 

But forget all that. This is a post about toast. More importantly: This is a post about the UNJUSTIFIABLE PREPONDERANCE OF SUBPAR TOAST IN AMERICA TODAY. 

Let Nantz explain. 

In the piece, which is a first-person deal written "with" Golf Digest's Guy Yokom, Nantz delivers what might be the greatest rant about toast in recorded human history. Here's how it begins. 

I'm a breakfast guy: three eggs scrambled, with bacon and wheat toast, burnt. The problem is, it never came back burnt. For years it would arrive limp and tan, which brought breakfast to a standstill when I sent the toast back. 

You've got to respect a guy with standards, and you've got to respect a guy who calls it like he sees it. You've also got to respect anyone who self-identifies as "a breakfast guy" (or gal). 

But there's more! So much more. 

Limp toast is a bigger problem than you might think! There are actual repercussions! 

It was costing me 10 minutes a day, which, multiplied by six days a week, is four hours a month. That's 48 hours—two full days—per year. My friends, time is currency. 

Damn. Great point. 

Now, recall the old saying -- "Behind every successful man is a great woman." Who knew it even applies to toast?

My wife, Courtney, got tired of hearing me complain about it. She found a photograph on the Internet of a kitchen toaster ejecting two slices of burnt toast. She minimized it, printed it out and had it laminated. She insisted I put it in my wallet. When I order, I present the photo to my server. I get some strange looks, but I can assure you, the toast now arrives black and scary, just the way I like it.

That's a move that belongs in the Curmudgeon Hall of Fame, first-ballot. 

Now we just need Nantz and nerd-hating baseball legend Goose Gossage to start a podcast together. We'll call it "Get Off My Lawn."