Nice: Here are 50 of the funniest euphemisms for masturbation

This post is part of Mashable's Masturbation Week. May is National Masturbation Month, so we're celebrating by exploring the many facets of self-love.

So you want to talk about masturbation, but you don't want to say "masturbation."

First, have you considered just saying "masturbation?" It's a fine and good word to say; plus, it's gender-free! But if you really can't do it — or if you're some kind of slang aficionado — you'll be thrilled to know that there are dozens of unusual euphemisms for masturbation at your disposal.

We've compiled a selection of 50 for you here, all from the deep tunnels of our blessed internet. Some of these images are specific to female masturbation, and some are specific to male masturbation. (We need more terms that aren't just for men, to be honest.) Some are not specific at all. And some are so deeply confusing that we simply do not know to which body parts they are referring. But maybe you do. In that case, can you let us know?

1. Poaching the egg

2. Shaking hands with the milkman

3. Manual override

4. Marching the penguin

5. Double clicking

6. Polishing the banister

7. Petting the cat

8. Lone Rangering

9. Boxing the one-eyed champ

10. Celebrating Palm Sunday

11. Nulling the void

12. Visiting the safety deposit box

13. Orbiting Venus

14. Finding Nemo

15. Cuffing the carrot

16. Cooking cucumbers

17. Dialing the rotary phone

18. Taking the self-guided tour

19. Playing five-on-one

20. Making waffles

21. Doing a Meg Ryan

22. Downstairs DJ

23. Turning on the sprinklers

24. Shucking the corn

25. Softening the peach

26. Spearing the bearded clam

27. Paddling the pink canoe

28. DIY

29. Scratching Yoda behind the ears

30. Trolling the Bermuda Triangle

31. Taking selfies at The Bean

32. Dotting the "i"

33. Burping the worm

34. Tapping into your potential

35. Giving yourself a hand

36. Rotating the drive head

37. Keynoting in Cupertino

38. Taking your talents to South Beach

39. Auditioning the finger puppets

40. Badgering the witness

41. Making soup

42. Preparing the monologue

43. Rosing (thanks, Titanic)

44. Clicking the home page

45. Drilling for oil

46. Engaging in safe sex

47. Singing soprano

48. Debugging the hard drive

49. Minding the gap

50. Watching the Magic Mike: XXL trailer

Happy euphemising. We hope it's a real pleasure.

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UPDATE: May. 15, 2023, 12:06 p.m. AEST This article was originally published in May 2018, and has been updated in May 2023.