Our predictions for the 'MOST DISHONEST AND CORRUPT MEDIA AWARDS OF THE YEAR'
Trump's MOST DISHONEST AND CORRUPT MEDIA AWARDS OF THE YEAR are supposedly tomorrow, and everywhere you go you can feel the lack of anticipation in the air.
Too bad. I love awards season. And just because these particular awards are a pernicious assault on the free press and were devised by a president whose brain has been deep fried in canola oil, it doesn't mean we can't make a few blue carpet prognostications.
Over the past year, the MSM has worked tirelessly to help keep the president up at night, stress-eating cheeseburgers and screaming at Jared like Trumpy Dearest from underneath his bathrobe.
For that, they should be honored.
Here are our predictions for every category Trump is likely to devise, as well as a list of projected winners.
CATEGORY: "Dumbest Fake News Reporter"
Nominees: Don Lemon, Mika Brzezinski, Ana Navarro, whoever wrote that SNL skit that said Bannon was president
Projected winner: Don Lemon. Trump has already called Don Lemon the "dumbest man on television." In his defense, we should trust Trump's opinion because he's, like, really smart.
CATEGORY: "Best Man in Media"
Nominees: Alan Dershowitz, Sean Hannity, Bill O'Reilly, the corpse of Roger Ailes
Projected Winner: Sean Hannity. He tops Trump's list for sheer slavishness alone, but he'd also like to give an honorable mention to Twitter user @WhiteGenocide666 for excellence in frog memes.
CATEGORY: "Best Woman in Media in a Skirt"
Nominees: Tomi Lahren, Laura Ingraham, Ann Coulter, Judge Jeanine Pirro
Projected Winner: Jeanine Pirro. Pirro has never once questioned her support for Trump, and she manages to stan for authoritarianism while wearing four-inch heels.
CATEGORY: "The Roy Cohn Lifetime Achievement Award"
Nominees: Donald Trump, Schmonald Trump, Fred Trump, The Man Who Makes That Beautiful Chocolate Cake
Projected Winner: Donald Trump. Every world leader knows that Trump is a much better president than Obama, probably the best in history, as well as the best jobs president God has ever created.
CATEGORY: "Best Performance on Sunday Morning Talk Shows"
Nominees: Reince Priebus, Kellyanne Conway, Stephen Miller, Mike Pence
Projected winner: Stephen Miller. While Miller might look rigid from the outside, he's got a soft cushy spot for educated Neo-Nazis behind all of his layers of lizard epidermis.
CATEGORY: "Best Time Covers of Trump"
Nominees:
Projected Winner: The Trump cover he had photoshopped. This is a Trump-branded product, which signifies excellence all around the world. Just ask the graduates of Trump University.
CATEGORY: "Biggest Failing Network and/or Newspaper with Terrible Ratings"
Nominees: CNN, The New York Times, Jeff Bezos' Washington Post, Trump's daily security briefing
Projected Winner: The Failing New York Times. Watch out for Trump's daily security briefing, however -- it's a strong contender in the race, since Trump gives his briefing a failing grade for lacking the requisite number of mentions of his name per sentence.
CATEGORY: "Best Original Anti-CNN GIF or Meme"
Nominees:
Projected Winner: Twitter user @SLandinSoCal's original illustration, "Trump Train Kills CNN Reporter at dusk." Trump would have gladly kept this meme up on his Twitter account, if only Hall Monitor Kelly, who does not understand Trump's media genius, wasn't Chief Killjoy.
CATEGORY: "Best Original Tweet by Donald J. Trump"
Nominees:
Projected Winner: "My Button Works" simply must win, since it caused he greatest amount of international anxiety incited per character.
CATEGORY: "Best Story Featuring Big Pictures, Not Words"
Nominees:
Bustle, "What to Do if Your Partner Wants You to Pee on Them"
The Daily Beast, "Andrew Breitbart's Photo of Anthony Weiner's Penis Helped Donald Trump Become President"
WikiHow, "How to Make a McDonalds BigMac -- 11 Steps With Pictures"
Projected Winner: Breitbart's weenie photo, for the role it played in taking down Crooked Hillary Clinton.
CATEGORY: "Best News Show My Incredible DVR Machine Plays"
Nominees: Fox & Friends, Justice with Judge Janine, Hannity, reruns of The Apprentice
Projected Winner: The Apprentice, with a special thanks to Frederick Douglass, whose contributions are being recognized more and more!
CATEGORY: "Most Stable Genius in Media"
Nominees: Rudy Giuliani, Rupert Murdoch, Chris Christie ... Donald Trump!
Projected Winner: Donald Trump is the projected winner of the most prestigious MOST DISHONEST AND CORRUPT MEDIA AWARDS Award.
An early congratulations to the President for his historic achievement at the groundbreaking awards ceremony he came up with while throwing wrappers at the TV. Who needs "Medals of Freedom" and "Volunteer Service Awards" when you can instead have the MOST DISHONEST AND CORRUPT MEDIA AWARDS?
It's his most significant self-awarded award to date, and this is only Season 1 of our dystopia.
Here's to whatever the hell is next.
Topics Donald Trump Politics
Heather was the Web Trends reporter at Mashable NYC. Prior to joining Mashable, Heather wrote regularly for UPROXX and GOOD Magazine, was published in The Daily Dot and VICE, and had her work featured in Entertainment Weekly, Jezebel, Mic, and Gawker. She loves small terrible dogs and responsible driving. Follow her on Twitter @wear_a_helmet.
