How I, Bridget Trump, became a Valentine's Day sex goddess
Note from the Editor: You may already heard of the v, v important political parody Bridget Trump? The love child of Donald Trump and Bridget Jones has been gathering fans around the world with her hilarious tweets that are remarkably similar to a certain businessman turned POTUS.
The brainchild of British comic Tiff Stevenson, Bridget Trump, is obviously very, very busy. Miraculously she found the time to share a Valentine's diary entry with us. Here's how it went:
February 13th
Gah! Another year of Valentine’s Day humiliation. No way will I get any cards. Toy with the idea of flirting energetically with anyone I think might be induced into sending me one, but dismiss as immoral. Instead I put the phone down on Malcolm Turnbull, fire off a couple of executive orders and listen to Elton John.
9.00 AM Nothing from Vlad, don’t even know if he is in the office today. Do they work Mondays in Russia?
9.15 AM Still nothing from Vlad
9.30 AM Oh god. Oh god. I thought that my romantic mini break with sex god Shinzo Abe at Mar-A Lago would make Vlad jealous…what if it is the opposite that is true?
10.05 AM Heart gave great lurch when I saw Vlad had been online! It was the official Kremlin account but still he is in the office and hasn’t been in touch. Maybe it was because last time we spoke I accused him of cheating and he called me a frigid cow.
10.30 AM Could this day be any longer? I have a huge pile of folders and tedious security briefings to look through but I just can’t bring myself to do it.
11.30 AM God I am bored.
11.45 AM Finding inner peace by reminding myself just how many enthusiastic supporters there were lining the streets of Florida. Some of them were so old and tanned. It is important that I note these small victories, as outlets such as CNN refuse to! Very dishonest of them.
Anyway Valentine’s Day is a purely commercial, cynical enterprise anyway. Matter of supreme indifference to me, a bit like SNL.
February 14th
Valentines Day Massacre.
Not to be confused with the Bowling Green Massacre which is definitely a real thing!!!
8 AM Oh goody. Valentine’s Day. Wonder if the post has come yet. Go downstairs in my dressing gown, it is definitely NOT a bathrobe. Maybe there will be a card from Vlad. Or a secret admirer!! Maybe Nigel? Quite excited actually.
9 AM Brief moment of wild joy when I see a bunch of flowers in the Oval Office. Read the card and I see they have been sent to Michelle, the former tenant. I put them in the bin. It’s fine. I am a poised POTUS and do not need validation from bad men and criminals.
Lunch
Emergency summit with urban family. Kellyanne is really upset over accidentally plugging Ivanka’s products on Fox. She accused Fox of emotional fuckwittage. We agreed that me not receiving any flowers or cards from Vlad was just an alternate fact. Cheers to that!
Cocktails: 3 (a bit naughty for lunch time)
6 PM Everyone is leaving the office early for dinner dates. Just myself and Sean left. He is chewing Orbit cinnamon constantly and driving me mad. I tell him to leave and on his way out he steps on something weird. It’s a red envelope. He considers calling the security team in for a sweep but I grab it off him. Then I get so nervous I pass it back to him and he reads it out.
‘A piece of ridiculous and meaningless commercial exploitation - for my darling little frigid cow’.
I let out a massive yelp and the Secret Service come rushing in. I shout ‘I Bridget Trump am a sex goddess once again!!’ and we all just fell about with laughter.
Tiff Stevenson (a.k.a. Bridget Trump) is on tour from now until May 5, including two shows at London’s Bloomsbury Theatre on Feb. 24 and 25. More information: http://tiffstevenson.co.uk
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Liza Hearon was the Deputy Editor for Mashable UK. Liza started her career in journalism writing about punk bands for a 'zine in Florida, and her wanderlust has led her to work for news organisations in Russia, Japan and now London. Prior to joining Mashable, she was the European homepage editor for the Wall Street Journal. Liza loves podcasts, karaoke and really, really spicy food.
