We taste tested convenience store food so you don't have to
Who even eats this stuff?
Convenience store snacks, from microwaveable burgers to hot dogs, are hardly cheap and far from appealing, yet someone out there must be chowing down. Out of mere curiosity, I thought it'd be a smart idea to try out these possible abominations. After all, I could be missing out on a gem of a snack.
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To start, I chose three of the least appetising meals from the 7-Eleven fridge, the roast chicken roll, the double cheese burger and the hot dog. In addition, I picked two slightly more appealing options, a meat pie and sausage roll.
The cold items were thrown into a nearby microwave, which had three button presets: Hot rolls, soup and hot dogs. Heating instructions so simple, you could be trashed and still get it right. Small victories.
Of course, the downside is you have to stand there in front of the microwave as the smell of burning cheese fills the store and everyone knows exactly who's responsible.
I've rated these meals on the reliable and relevant metrics of how gross they are and how drunk you'd need to be to eat them.
Please pray for me. And my bowels.
Double cheese burger
This was where that offensive burning cheese smell came from. Although the instructions on the packet said to cook in the microwave for two-and-a-half minutes, it was clearly burnt when pulled out, leaving a disturbing sheath of plastic cheese hardened around the edges.
The bun was hard and chewy, the dry meat tasted like onion powder as opposed to any familiar protein, and the cheese had a gelatinous consistency.
I'm always excited by burgers, but this was just plain depressing.
Price: A$7 ($5.40)
Gross rating: 7/10
How drunk do I have to be to eat this?: 8/10
Roast chicken roll
An adequate dish for a public hospital, this roast chicken roll was surprisingly inoffensive. Bureaucrats could save taxpayer dollars by dishing this up with little complaint.
The bread was chewy and tough and the chicken and mayo bits looked gross, but taste wise, it was somewhat like eating a packet of roast chicken chips. You could be eating a burnt burger, after all.
Price: A$6 ($4.63)
Gross rating: 6/10
How drunk do I have to be to eat this?: 4/10
Big Bite hot dog
I have fond childhood memories of the hot dog rollers that reside in convenience stores, occasionally ever so slightly burning the sausages until crispy.
Some things get worse as years go by, and there's no better example of this than this absolute travesty of a microwavable hot dog. The bread, looking haggard and possibly screaming for help, was again tough and unpleasant. The limp sausage of questionable origin was congealed salty mush, and quite frankly upsetting -- not just for my stomach.
Childhood nostalgia has become a bitter adult reality.
Price: A$3.10 ($2.39)
Gross rating: 9/10
How drunk do I have to be to eat this?: 10/10
Beef, bacon and cheese sausage roll
When you buy something from a pie warmer, there is a 50/50 chance the food you're buying might not actually be hot enough. I lost out this time.
Hell is a lukewarm meatloaf covered in soggy pastry. It was, however, a relief to eat through a bread product that didn't taste like socks. Still, the rod of meat had a somewhat Cheetos-like taste of bacon and cheese, with no actual visible bits of bacon.
It was sad, but edible.
Price: A$5 ($3.86)
Gross rating: 7/10
How drunk do I have to be to eat this?: 4/10
Traveller pie
Thank goodness for a relatively normal bit of food.
If you've had a frozen meat pie, this was more or less the same experience. Sludgy meat filling, near-perfect pastry -- it's no wonder why meat pies are a convenience store staple around Australia. It's so hard to mess up.
Price: A$3.00 ($2.31)
Gross rating: 3/10
How drunk do I have to be to eat this?: 2/10
The moral of the story? Rethink your life decisions, and stick to the meat pies.
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