Valentine's Day in a situationship doesn't have to be brutal

Newsflash: people in long-term monogamous relationships aren't the only ones who get to celebrate Valentine's Day.

On Feb. 14 this year, I'm here to tell you that relationships of all kind deserve to be celebrated: platonic, familial, self-love, romantic, polyamorous, sexual, whatever the hell you've got going on.

We're living in the age of confusing labels and ill-defined dating stages. Are you my sneaky link? Is this a situationship? Are we still in the talking stage? Throw Valentine's Day into the mix, and you've got yourself a veritable headache. If you find yourself in this perplexing conundrum, you're far from alone. Sixty-eight percent of Gen Z and millennials say they are in or open to the talking stage, and 48 percent are engaging in sneaky links, according to research Deliveroo sent to Mashable.

"Valentine's Day can feel a bit awkward in the early stages because so many people are operating in undefined spaces," says sex and relationships expert Oloni, who partnered with Deliveroo for the research.

Valentine's is about all forms of love

Just because your relationship doesn't fit into society's couple-centric relationship structures doesn't mean you can't celebrate love in all its beautiful forms.

Lovehoney sex and relationship expert Annabelle Knight says, "Valentine's Day can seem like a lot if you are not in a 'traditional,' heteronormative, monogamous relationship, but actually at its essence it's a chance to enjoy the company of those around you in your life."

Knight rightfully points out that "much of the advertising and marketing around Valentine's Day is aimed at couples."

Given the number of young people who say they're in non-couple structures, marketing and advertising agencies might want to give their campaigns a bit of a rethink. But let's not forget that those messages we're absorbing are being defined by capitalism.

Polyamory educator Leanne Yau says, "Valentine's Day isn't just celebrated by monogamous couples, and doesn't just have to be about romantic love; it can be expanded to a celebration of love in general."

Unspoken expectations on Valentine's Day

The weight of our expectations around this day can set us up for disappointment before it's even begun. Don't fall into the trap of thinking "if he wanted to, he would" and measuring your partner's actions as a barometer of how invested they are. They might be trying to match your energy, or holding back because they don't want to come on too strong. If you haven't yet defined the connection, this occasion might expose a mismatch in what you're looking for.

"If one person experiences the connection as casual while the other experiences it as emerging commitment, Valentine's Day amplifies that gap," says relationship coach Lorin Krenn. "The discomfort has little to do with a particular date in the calendar. It stems from what we associate with it: the public celebration of love. In that sense, the day acts as a prompt for greater clarity about the nature and direction of the connection."

"Used well, it can serve as a moment of honesty. What are we building, if anything? Are we aligned in how we see this? Clarity tends to reduce tension, while silence intensifies it," adds Krenn.

How to navigate situationships on Valentine's Day

Navigating fledgling relationships on Valentine's Day can be really tricky. Many of us grew up reading toxic dating advice in the 2000s that told us to play it so cool that our interest was barely perceptible (if at all). We were told not to ask for clarity, to avoid asking to define the relationship, to be aloof and cool, so you don't scare anyone off.

But relationships require vulnerability and trust in order to move forward. At some point, someone will need to ask, "What is this?" We all have to do the uncomfortable, scary thing of laying our cards (and hearts) out on the table at the risk of being told, "No, thanks."

When it comes to situationships, talking stages, and general early dating territory, it's true that we don't want to come on too strong. Lovebombing is real, and many of us are on high alert for red flags. Slow and steady wins the race. In those early stages, the fledgling romance can feel like a fragile, tender thing, so we tread lightly in an effort not to break it.

In those early days, the decision of whether to broach the topic of Valentine's Day is a personal one, and it really depends on how comfortable you are with bringing it up.

You could try having some fun with it and being playful, such as sending a message like “Happy Situationship Day." You could send them a meme they'd like. You could even suggest a low-key hang that day.

Oloni recommends "light, direct communication." For early-stage dating, you could say, “Are we doing anything for Valentine's or keeping it chilled?” which, she says, "keeps things low stakes while giving clarity. Assumptions create anxiety, but honesty keeps things steady."

If you want to acknowledge it, meeting for coffee or going for a nice walk would be appropriate for the nature of that relationship. Here's a message suggestion: "Any plans this weekend? Want to grab a coffee?" If you're keen to see where this goes and want to go the distance, I'd advise against gift-buying or suggesting lavish meals out.

It's also totally fine to just breeze right past it and pretend that Valentine's isn't a thing. And if your partner doesn't bring it up, I personally wouldn't see that as anything to be concerned about, especially if it's really early days.

"Situationships are not inherently lesser forms of intimacy," says Krenn. "Many adults are consciously exploring connection without traditional structures. Emotional depth, sexual chemistry, and companionship remain meaningful regardless of whether a relationship has a formal title."

Honour the non-romantic loves of your life

I've been single for 15 years, and each year I buy at least one card for a non-romantic love in my life. Last year on Valentine's Day, I went out for dinner with one of my oldest friends who was visiting from overseas. In a restaurant crowded with couples, we ate a candle-lit three-course dinner, sipped fizz, and enjoyed each other's company. The restaurant staff loved the fact that we were having a Galentine's dinner together. And why the hell shouldn't we? The year before, I went round to a guyfriend's house, and we had a Palentine's evening together, ate Nando's and watched Real Housewives Of New York. You can't get more perfect than that, tbh.

This year, I'm spending the weekend with my wonderful parents, with whom I have a really close bond. I've bought them a card and some heart-shaped chocolates. We're splitting an M&S dine-in meal deal (three courses for £25) three ways, even if it was intended for two (an oversight on retailers' parts in my opinion). But, really, Valentine's is just another day. One I'll likely spend crouching in a damp flower bed planting bulbs for summer.

Celebrate yourself this Valentine's Day

The longest relationship you'll have in life is the one you have with yourself. Self-love doesn't come easily, and we can have complicated, challenging relationships with ourselves, our minds, and our bodies. On Valentine's Day, why not celebrate how far you've come — even if you feel you've still got a bit more distance to travel.

I saw a post on Instagram today that read, "12-year-old you wouldn't believe how cool you are." We should remind ourselves constantly that we have grown into the kind of person we once dreamed of becoming.

It's not cringe or loserish to celebrate self-love on Feb. 14. You could turn it into a ritual that you intend to repeat every year — a candlelit bubble bath, a walk around your favourite museum or park, playing your favourite record from start to finish, grabbing coffee with your best friend, buying yourself that fancy pastry you've been eyeing up all week.

We know that Valentine's Day is heavily commercialised, so self-love doesn't have to involve buying things. Write a list of things you like or love about yourself. Call or voice note a friend you've been meaning to catch up with. 

Happy Valentine's Day from me to you.