9 of the freakiest talking animals in cinematic history, yes, including 'Cats'
After months of "Is this really still happening?" speculation, audiences are slowly discovering Tom Hooper's Cats to be an enjoyable, bonkers, and meticulous ride to a horny, musical dreamscape.
But for many, the very idea of Taylor Swift, Judy Dench, and other A-list stars morphing into digitally-furred felines still brings on a cold sweat. So, on this, the season of the cinematic Jellicle Ball, we decided to make things a whole lot worse.
Blasting "Memory" through our headphones and watching the world burn, we dug through film history to find the most horrifying and unsettling talking animals to ever appear on screen.
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Some bested Cats, while others didn't quite rise to its level of delirium, but everything on this list is unquestionably "off." Without further adieu, here are 9 talking animals to make you uncomfortable this blessed Cats weekend.
9. Monkey Peter from Jumanji
After attempting to cheat the great game of Jumanji, Peter Shepherd gets turned part monkey. Our hats off to child actor Bradley Pierce (who, fun fact, also did the original voice of Chip in Beauty and the Beast) for acting through all that makeup — but wow, is looking at him upsetting. Part Planet of the Apes, part child lost in an outlet mall, Jumanji's monkey boy is as sad as he is creepy.
8. The Cowardly Lion from Return to Oz
If your life has not yet been ruined by Return to Oz, then run as fast as you can. If you've already seen it, then let's talk Cowardly Lion! Based on the look of things, this iconic Oz character was brought to life for this ill-conceived sequel via some grouchy props guys and a lumpy costume. His joints don't really move, he's constantly bumping into things, and he maintains this dead-eyed stare every moment he's on screen. Seeking a wizard to give us some courage for a rewatch.
7. Aragog from Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
We're all friends of Hagrid here, but some of us are uh... less "fond" of Acromantula. Sure, the late, great gigantic spider is remembered fondly for his service to Hogwarts' favorite groundskeeper, but his rendering in Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets was downright appalling. Just the memory of those legs paired with Julian Glover's raspy voice is enough to give us chills.
6. Flounder from The Little Mermaid Live!
Flounder is usually quite the charmer, but in ABC's The Little Mermaid Live! he could only be described as cursed. With a hauntingly blank expression and a human hand shoved up his chest, Flounder Live! appeared like an aquatic ghost mid-existential crisis. What does it mean to be part of anyone's world, y'know?
6. Gmork from The NeverEnding Story
Gmork from The NeverEnding Story was supposed to terrify us, and oh boy, did he succeed! Yes, there's the fact that he tries to eat Atreyu — but his visual execution bothered us more than anything. His lips never matched his words, his nose seemed to move entirely independent of his face, and when he finally leapt out from the darkness in that scene? Well, he looked a lot like a rug. A really, really, really scary rug. For like, eviiiil living rooms.
4. Everything that is Cats
It's the reason we're here in the first place: Cats. Revamping the iconic Andrew Lloyd Webber musical isn't an inherently bad idea (OK, it kinda is), but the way Universal went about doing it remains straight-up baffling. Sometimes sexy, sometimes sad, always horrifying: It's Cats!
3. Charo as a frog songstress/kidnapper in Thumbelina
Who among us did not have their childhood irrevocably scarred by Charo's performance in Thumbelina? Providing the voice for Mrs. Toad, a kinda sexy, mostly terrifying singer and criminal who also happens to be an amphibian, Charo gave life to what was easily the worst conceived Betty Boop ripoff ever. Girl's got great legs though. And her sons? So loving!
2. The "Chaos reigns" fox in Antichrist
As a wise fox ripping out its own entrails once said, "Chaos reigns." Plenty of disturbing events take place in Lars von Trier's Antichrist; an infant falls out of a window, Charlotte Gainsbourg gets burned alive, Willem Dafoe ejaculates blood — it's all BAD. Still, no image is quite as haunting as the talking fox that heralds it all.
Chaos reigns indeed, little guy.
1. Pretty much everything in Animal Farm, but *especially* the pigs
Raise your hand if you've ever felt personally victimized by John Stephenson's Animal Farm. Everything in this movie is terrifying: the horse that gets turned into glue... the rebellious goat that speaks out against the totalitarian regime... hell, these animators even made a talking Border Collie vaguely spooky.
Of course, nothing tops the talking pigs, particularly Napoleon. I mean, he was just so mean and so... moist?! [shudder]
